Hey babe, come here often? 😉
Because I apparently don’t HAH!
But really. I hope everyone out there is having a healthy transition into fall(see what I did there?) I know the change of seasons can bring wonderful things like pretty leaves and apple cider, but also the bittersweet goodbye kiss of summer, and the frosty embrace of winter. I usually get a pretty stong dose of the SAD(seasonal affective disorder.) A lack of vitamin D from the sun does some serious damage to my mood and often leads to emo hermiting in my room all winter. Not something I look forward to.
For that reason I have decided just now(15 minutes ago) to reach out to friends and potential new friends to forge new bonds to get through the winter months and improve my life in general. Being alone all the time sucks.
Something interesting that I have been contemplating is the idea that I am actually an extrovert with severe social anxiety. The topic came up in conversation with the girl I have been dating recently and it challenges a pretty basic thing I though I knew about myself. But apparently not.
I am going to go take a nice hot bath and shave my legs, you may hear from me sooner than later! ^-^
The time I’ve spent popping estrogen pills.
That’s right, this is my 3 year anniversary since starting hormones, and now I have rent stuck in my head.
Quite a bit has changed in the past 3 years and I am genuinely glad that I made the decision to transition so long ago, even if I thought I was too old. Trust me, 21 is not too old. It is a daunting step, but absolutely worth it. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, which is partially what I am going to talk about today, but in the end I am still happy with the choices I’ve made.
The last time I gave a substantial update was around the beginning of the year. My girlfriend and I are still together, we are pretty madly in love, which creates it’s own set of problems. More on that later. Over the summer I did some more over-hire work at the music theater, mostly welding. I got to design an awesome set of handles for the gate into Oz (Thats right, we did the wizard of Oz). After that they did Cats, which I only helped on load in for. I was pretty off the wall about it because I am a cat myself. I was freaking out running around the super-sized set pieces and climbing up the steel cat perches suspended above the stage. On opening night I even had a confrontation with one of the cats in the aisle. I meowed at him and he froze, looking at me. I meowed again and as he slowly backed away I hissed. I am mildly insane.
Speaking of insane, I am re-evaluating my mental health. My girlfriend recently went into the hospital and is now in Florida trying to get her life back together. Since we are so in love, being apart is wreaking havoc on my emotional well-being (especially with our particular relationship). While she was in the hospital here I had a few mental breakdowns because it was particularly triggering for me. I took a medical leave of absence to get myself figured out this semester. At one point I stopped caring and took a bunch of pills, including 40mg of Ambien. I woke up the next day with my mom sleeping next to me, wondering what the hell happened. Honestly, she probably should have taken me to the hospital.
This whole ordeal has been quite trying on my state of mental health. I am questioning whether the Zoloft and Wellbutrin I am on are doing anything at all. I need to be re-evaluated to determine what my problems actually are. I feel like my anxiety and panic attacks are the root of many of my problems. I’ve had an increasing number of panic attacks recently. I have had some incidents of self harm as well.
I need to be in some sort of program, and yesterday I was evaluated and referred to a partial hospitalization program, where you are at the hospital from 9am-3pm doing group and individual therapy. I think it will help me, but I am not sure if I actually need inpatient. Last night I had a particularly bad panic attack because I was thinking about all the people I would have to be around in the program. I eventually started scratching myself but had enough willpower to stop myself before any significant damage was done. It scared me a lot. Hopefully I end up where I need to be.
On a more positive note, I have been trying to take this time off from class to do things I’ve always wanted to do. I am trying to expand my Etsy store and this past friday I took a blacksmithing workshop and had a blast making this forged “S” hook and pointer.
On an even brighter note, I have a consultation on the 19th of November with Christine McGinn in Pennsylvania. I am going to be talking to her about FFS, breast augmentation, as well as GRS. I am making a strong effort to get the procedures covered under insurance. Chances are I will focus on the FFS and breast augmentation first because they will have a greater effect on my self confidence.
Anyways I will try to get some answers up to the Ask Abbey questions that have been piling up in my inbox, sorry to those who haven’t had their questions answered! I am also going to update my face and breast development timelines soon.
Until next time,
Seeing as it is my 400th day on hormones I thought it would be appropriate to give you a glimpse into my past. This photo was taken in march of last year in Boston. Growing up I’ve always had a passion for bikes and trials biking was one of my specialties. Despite the fact that I was a guy, I still look back on those times fondly.
I have been pretty busy this week and I am just now finding the time to post about what’s been going on. My girlfriend and I had a great time in Boston last Sunday and we got some great pictures. We took the train into North Station and then hopped on the subway and headed to South Station where we found Occupy Boston. I was pretty curious to see it both for my own interest, and the photography opportunities. Just as we came up from the subway we heard a march leaving the camp towards the commons so we quickly followed. They took up most of the street and a police cruiser followed behind but it was completely peaceful. Below is a video.
After that we made our way into chinatown where we had bubble tea and stopped at japanese restaurant called Kaze Kaze Shabu Shabu. They give you a bunch of thin slices of meat that you cook in a large bowl of broth with the flavor of your choosing. I enjoyed it a lot and I’m sure my girlfriend did too!
Hope the end of that video didn’t scare you too much. Once we were full of rib eye, beef, chicken, and lamb, we stopped by the Prudential Center and then headed back to catch our train. I am pretty excited about some of my pictures, maybe once I print some I will scan them and post a few.
The rest of this week has been filled mostly with school assignments and interning. I had a minor freak out on Monday after the anxiety of having to speak in my speech class started to get to me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have an electrolysis appointment the same day that I wasn’t sure was going to happen, so I was stressing out about that as well. Eventually I calmed down and my body crashed when I got home, I could barely get off my bed. After a good nights sleep I was back to myself. Today I finally presented the speech that I had been worrying about and while it was nerve racking, it wasn’t that bad.
One of the reasons I was so worried about it was that I was talking about how I am trying to help others (YOU!) through my blog and by doing so, I had to come out in front of my class. Afterwards one of the guys in my class told me I had a lot of guts to talk about it and my teacher also thought I did a good job, so it was worth it in the end.
My internship is going well, today was my second day and I am starting to get comfortable with the other people I am working with. I am definitely excited for the future!
I have a bunch of questions for Ask Abbey that I need to put up and I still need to put that album together, keep an eye out for them!
Here is a quick update with some Ask Abbey questions. Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
Q: Have you always been attracted to just girls and never boys throughout your life, and have you dated females before your current girlfriend?
I’ve always been attracted to girls, so much so that I turned into one. Before my current girlfriend I had 2 other relationships that I would consider serious. One was when I was 18 before I really understood that I was trans, and the other was when I was 21 and starting my transition. The second was transgendered like myself. What really attracts me to people is their appearance/figure, and their personality, NOT what is in their pants. I am attracted to girls regardless of their genitalia.
Q: You mentioned self-harming in your post explaining your period of depression. Had you self-harmed in the past, and did involve cutting, burning, or some other method of injury? Is this something you are concerned about happening the future, or was it a one-time desperate kind of action?
A: Before I had my issues of depression there were a few unrelated instances in the past where I had harmed myself. When I hurt myself I would cut or scratch myself with a knife or a pointed object. I cut mostly on my arms or hand. The only real visible scar left is one on my hand but it blends in pretty well. I have had thoughts of self-harm since my hospitalization but they are much less frequent and only occur during times of heavy emotional stress or trauma. I think the tendency to look toward self-harm for relief is partially ingrained into my psyche, but with proper coping techniques and a more effective method of release those tendencies can be overcome. It is like unlearning a bad habit or impulse, we come to fall back on them and it takes time and effort to develop healthier habits.
It’s been a few weeks since I posted anything so I thought I’d post an update. I’ve been doing well and my mood is staying much more stable, it seems like the Effexor is working! Over the past few weeks I’ve felt the sensitivity in my breasts coming back and I’ve notice a decrease in my sex drive.
With only a week left until finals I am scrambling to get all of my work done on time. I just got a bunch of online assignments done for my art history class, that is a big load off my back. I am thinking about building a rock climbing wall, or at least a bouldering wall. It would be great exercise for my upper body and especially my legs. Once I am done with classes I will have a lot more time to take pictures and start the process to get my name changed.
I am going to go watch Supernatural now, my girlfriend got my hopelessly addicted to it and I am watching the entire series starting from season one.