My name is Abbey. I am a transgendered woman in her 30’s. I want to document my experiences with hormone treatment and help educate other transwomen of their effects. I have a passion for art and music and work in theater.
Growing up i had a pretty normal childhood, nothing out of the ordinary happened. My family has always been close and supportive. I grew up in a small rural town north of Boston with a predominantly upper middle class population. I got along pretty well with the other children but I was always considered the sky kid. When playing with other kids I would usually let my best friend do all the talking. One time during elementary school my class was going out to recess from the lunchroom. When I got outside I didn’t see anyone from my class and I got scared. I thought maybe they went to one of the smaller playgrounds around the backside of the building but when I went there it was empty. Helpless, I sat down and cried behind the building until a teacher heard me from outside her window and came to my rescue. Another thing I remember about elementary school is that I was afraid to use the bathrooms so I would always hold it in until I got home.
My earliest memory of dysphoria was sometime in elementary school. I was probably around the age of 8 or 10. I remember being jealous of the girls I saw and wondered what it was like to have breasts. I even prayed to God to give me breasts, sadly they never came. Later in my teen years I day-dreamed about being able to swap body parts with girls.
Through middle school and my early high school years I was an outcast and often got picked on by the other boys. I had a small group of friends that I hung out with during school and I also had my best friend who I’ve known since I was a baby. I was in the Boy Scouts and played soccer (partially my parent’s doing). I eventually attained the rank of Eagle Scout during high school and I am still glad that I got it despite the BSA being a male institution. Me and my best friend spent most of our time mountain biking in the woods around our town.
When I started high school I let my hair grow out and painted my nails. By my junior year I was commonly known as the Prince of Darkness, even by my teachers. I spent a lot of my time playing video games and I got more involved in playing music and film making. I didn’t get picked on much anymore, I learned to ignore the pestering and no one really messed with me. Senior year was pretty enjoyable, my whole class came together and a lot of the clicks mixed together.
During my senior year I started to experiment with crossdressing in private. We often had big bags of clothes that we were going to sell so I would sneak downstairs when no one was home and rummage through the bags, searching for clothes that I liked and that fit. Several times I “purged” my collection in shame, but I always found myself acquiring more. I began researching online and came to learn what it meant to be transgender. Before I had only thought that weirdoes like Pete Burns got sex-changes. (Thanks media!!)
Finally when I was 18 or 19, the dysphoria had built up enough that I couldn’t deal with being male any longer and I decide to come out to my parents. I thought about it for a long time before I actually got the courage to tell my mom how I felt. One night I sat down by her while she was on the computer. I told her I had to tell her something but it took me at least half an hour to get it out. Once I finally got it out she was shocked and cried, she is a very emotional person. It was very tough for my parents. We tried going to a few therapists but my mom broke down one day on the way home and it just made me feel so bad. I basically dropped the subject for 2-3 years because I was afraid of seeing my parents like that.
I suppressed my feelings for a while and devoted my time to biking more often, I event went as far as to start working out. But the feelings crept back and I soon found myself learning how to put on makeup and building a stash of female clothes in my closet. Seeing other girls successfully transition made it more and more clear that that is what I needed to do.
At the end of my second year in college I decided I had to do something about it this time. I sat down in the same chair I did years before and told my mom I still felt like I was a girl. It was difficult at first but we found a good therapist. I started seeing her around March of 2010. Throughout the process I kept my parents involved so it didn’t feel like I was abandoning them.
I started on Estradiol and Spironolactone at the end of September that year. I was happy to finally be on the right track.
In October/November there was a series of events that in combination with the stress of transitioning and college led me into a slum of depression. The depression got so bad that I attempted suicide. A few weeks after that happened I admitted myself to a psychiatric facility where I spent 4 days clearing my mind and getting my life back on track. I go more in-depth about this time in my life in my Day 50 post.
My life started to look up after that happened. I met a girl whom I dated for two years before moving on. After school ended for the year I decided to devote my time and energy into my transition. Since then I have had electrolysis to remove my facial hair as well as Orchiectomy and breast augmentation. My family have come to accept me and I am living full time. I can finally say that I am happy with my place in life and that I can finally be myself.
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