Day 50 – Am I just paranoid? Am I just stoned?
Wow it has been a long time since I posted anything, 20 days to be exact. I apologize for the lapse in updates, I have been continuing to deal with some personal problems. I may or may not have spent 4 days in a psychiatric hospital, but I am uploading some new pictures right now.
The main reason I haven’t been around is that I have been dealing with stress from school as well as depression and anxiety; Two things that should certainly not be let go unchecked. If you or someone is having consistent trouble with either anxiety or depression, you should see a therapist, counselor or psychiatrist, they can help. Now you may be saying “what good is that going to do? They are just going to lock me up in a room for days on end!” In reality there are some good facilities that can help you get things straightened out and prescribe you with the medications you need to stay stable. Also, being in a psychiatric hospital does not mean you are a stones throw away from being a frequent flyer at your local looney bin, the stigma around mental illness just makes people who do have something going on inside feel insecure and ashamed of who they are. There are trained counselors, social workers and doctors who’s jobs are focused on getting you better and safe.
Now a little more about the past few weeks. I just felt so overwhelmed with everything that on a few occasions I got to the point of being self-destructive and suicidal. Last thursday was no different and before acting out any impulses I made the decision to hospitalize myself. I have dealt with anxiety through most of my life, even to the point of nausea at times and I’ve also had some trouble with depression.
Between classes, transitioning, and all the other factors I just couldn’t handle it. I’d already made one suicide attempt 4 weeks ago, and I’d also harmed myself physically since then. I decided the best thing for me would be to be admitted to a hospital where I could get the help I needed. The staff and other patients were extremely welcoming and nice, and there were group activities that you could go to if you wanted. The psychiatrist I saw was extremely nice and got me set up on some medication to help with my anxiety, as well as my trouble sleeping. after 4 days I was discharged and I feel much more relaxed and hopeful about life. I learned that if I am feeling down I need to do things that will cheer me up, rather than dwell on what is bothering me.
Now all this aside, it’s been a while since I gave an update on my progress with hormones. If it isn’t obvious, I have definitely been more emotional and I am more likely to cry when watching a sad movie. My skin is feeling softer and I’m getting more fat deposits on my chest, hips, butt and thighs. Just recently my breasts have started hurting, I’ve already hit them a few times to be happily reminded of how much they hurt. I think my face is a little bit more feminine but it is hard to tell, I definitely gained a little weight while in the hospital. Day by day I look and feel more feminine; in fact, just today I noticed my hands aren’t as manly as they used to be and my veins aren’t quite as big.
I’ve been through so much and at this point the only way for me to go is up.
I am optimistic for the future and for what life has in store for me.