Tag Archive | Anxiety

Insert Witty Title Here

Greetings and salutations my fine denizens.

I’ve been AWOL for a literally 5 days short of a year. Honestly things have been up and down pretty frequently but I am in a pretty positive state right now. Aside from work and the occasional social engagement I have been spending much of my time playing video games. There really isn’t time for much more when you work in theater. The good news is I am making several dollars more than I was last year and that means a lot when the owner is kind of a scrooge.

But I digress, I just wanted to let y’all know that I am still alive and kicking, I hate to make empty promises but I am going to try try TRY my hardest! *fingers crossed* To make more frequent blog posts. I think it will help get the thoughts out of my head and relieve some of my stress.

In conclusion here is the most recent Ask Abbey question I received, I think it addresses some legitimate concerns many of us face/have faced at some point in transition.

Ciao!


Q:  So as we all know you get constant messages, I just wanted to ask a couple questions which I feel no TRANS chat site have answered or anything, I am currently going through electrolysis on my face, I’m about 20 hours in, I too am a red head so laser didn’t work and I wasted 10 months doing it to have little effect and it has put me at a broken point as now I am doing electrolysis 3 – 4 hours a week. I don’t have the confidence to present fully female like I used to due to my facial hair having to grow for treatment.

I have been on HRT for 7 months now so in my mind I feel I’m falling behind and it will affect my chances of SRS on my one year mark of HRT incase the Doctor feels I am talking steps backwards due to dressing in less feminine cloths for electrolysis but still present as SHE and BROOKE etc, if that makes sense.

I feel I’m in a bad state of mind. Will the hair go away? Will I be hair free? Am I going to be able to go back to presenting full time as myself?

A: Hello Brooke,
Those are all understandable concerns in your current position. First off since you are on HRT and actively going through your transition, there is no falling behind, When I was doing electrolysis I was only doing 1 hour per week. it is okay if things don’t go as fast as you expected them to.

When I started HRT I was gung ho to get on a full dose. As you may or may not know I had a set back and had to go off estrogen for a number of months and it felt like an eternity; but I got through it and looking back it really didn’t make that big of a difference. I also wanted to have had breast surgery, an orchiectomy, changed my SS, and change my passport by now but I still haven’t done those things. I get really upset about it and beat myself up for not motivating myself to get these things done but it is scary to make those unknown steps. It really is. Lately I have been trying to push myself and move forward with my goals, one step at a time.

Fact of the matter is I think having SRS after only one year of being on HRT is a bit soon, especially with all the changes you are going through. Waiting a little longer is not going to hurt your quality of results. But regardless of time frame you will absolutely be able to present and be yourself. Nothing can stop you.

Honestly it took me a long time before I was confident enough to present as female when I was alone in public. Hell, I still get nervous going into public restrooms and it’s been over 5 years. I don’t think you need to worry about falling behind.

I hope this gives you some peace of mind!

Abbey

p.s. I really don’t get that many emails 😛

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Fall is upon us

Hey babe, come here often? 😉

Because I apparently don’t HAH!

But really. I hope everyone out there is having a healthy transition into fall(see what I did there?) I know the change of seasons can bring wonderful things like pretty leaves and apple cider, but also the bittersweet goodbye kiss of summer, and the frosty embrace of winter. I usually get a pretty stong dose of the SAD(seasonal affective disorder.) A lack of vitamin D from the sun does some serious damage to my mood and often leads to emo hermiting in my room all winter. Not something I look forward to.

For that reason I have decided just now(15 minutes ago) to reach out to friends and potential new friends to forge new bonds to get through the winter months and improve my life in general. Being alone all the time sucks.

Something interesting that I have been contemplating is the idea that I am actually an extrovert with severe social anxiety. The topic came up in conversation with the girl I have been dating recently and it challenges a pretty basic thing I though I knew about myself. But apparently not.

I am going to go take a nice hot bath and shave my legs, you may hear from me sooner than later! ^-^

-Abbey

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Beautiful weather I will miss.

Fifteen hundred seventy-six thousand, eight hundred minutes!

2013-09-19 13.27.37 2

The time I’ve spent popping estrogen pills.

That’s right, this is my 3 year anniversary since starting hormones, and now I have rent stuck in my head.

Quite a bit has changed in the past 3 years and I am genuinely glad that I made the decision to transition so long ago, even if I thought I was too old. Trust me, 21 is not too old. It is a daunting step, but absolutely worth it. I have had my fair share of ups and downs, which is partially what I am going to talk about today, but in the end I am still happy with the choices I’ve made.

The last time I gave a substantial update was around the beginning of the year. My girlfriend and I are still together, we are pretty madly in love, which creates it’s own set of problems. More on that later. Over the summer I did some more over-hire work at the music theater, mostly welding. I got to design an awesome set of handles for the gate into Oz (Thats right, we did the wizard of Oz). After that they did Cats, which I only helped on load in for. I was pretty off the wall about it because I am a cat myself. I was freaking out running around the super-sized set pieces and climbing up the steel cat perches suspended above the stage. On opening night I even had a confrontation with one of the cats in the aisle. I meowed at him and he froze, looking at me. I meowed again and as he slowly backed away I hissed. I am mildly insane.

2013-06-26 19.14.56(The handles I designed and built)

Speaking of insane, I am re-evaluating my mental health. My girlfriend recently went into the hospital and is now in Florida trying to get her life back together. Since we are so in love, being apart is wreaking havoc on my emotional well-being (especially with our particular relationship). While she was in the hospital here I had a few mental breakdowns because it was particularly triggering for me. I took a medical leave of absence to get myself figured out this semester. At one point I stopped caring and took a bunch of pills, including 40mg of Ambien. I woke up the next day with my mom sleeping next to me, wondering what the hell happened. Honestly, she probably should have taken me to the hospital.

This whole ordeal has been quite trying on my state of mental health. I am questioning whether the Zoloft and Wellbutrin I am on are doing anything at all. I need to be re-evaluated to determine what my problems actually are. I feel like my anxiety and panic attacks are the root of many of my problems. I’ve had an increasing number of panic attacks recently. I have had some incidents of self harm as well. 

I need to be in some sort of program, and yesterday I was evaluated and referred to a partial hospitalization program, where you are at the hospital from 9am-3pm doing group and individual therapy. I think it will help me, but I am not sure if I actually need inpatient. Last night I had a particularly bad panic attack because I was thinking about all the people I would have to be around in the program. I eventually started scratching myself but had enough willpower to stop myself before any significant damage was done. It scared me a lot. Hopefully I end up where I need to be.

On a more positive note, I have been trying to take this time off from class to do things I’ve always wanted to do. I am trying to expand my Etsy store and this past friday I took a blacksmithing workshop and had a blast making this forged “S” hook and pointer.

2013-09-20 22.11.24

On an even brighter note, I have a consultation on the 19th of November with Christine McGinn in Pennsylvania. I am going to be talking to her about FFS, breast augmentation, as well as GRS. I am making a strong effort to get the procedures covered under insurance. Chances are I will focus on the FFS and breast augmentation first because they will have a greater effect on my self confidence.

Anyways I will try to get some answers up to the Ask Abbey questions that have been piling up in my inbox, sorry to those who haven’t had their questions answered! I am also going to update my face and breast development timelines soon.

Until next time,

Abbey Kat

Day 400 – Fat Tire Fury

Seeing as it is my 400th day on hormones I thought it would be appropriate to give you a glimpse into my past. This photo was taken in march of last year in Boston. Growing up I’ve always had a passion for bikes and trials biking was one of my specialties. Despite the fact that I was a guy, I still look back on those times fondly.

I have been pretty busy this week and I am just now finding the time to post about what’s been going on. My girlfriend and I had a great time in Boston last Sunday and we got some great pictures. We took the train into North Station and then hopped on the subway and headed to South Station where we found Occupy Boston. I was pretty curious to see it both for my own interest, and the photography opportunities. Just as we came up from the subway we heard a march leaving the camp towards the commons so we quickly followed. They took up most of the street and a police cruiser followed behind but it was completely peaceful. Below is a video.

After that we made our way into chinatown where we had bubble tea and stopped at japanese restaurant called Kaze Kaze Shabu Shabu. They give you a bunch of thin slices of meat that you cook in a large bowl of broth with the flavor of your choosing. I enjoyed it a lot and I’m sure my girlfriend did too!

Hope the end of that video didn’t scare you too much. Once we were full of rib eye, beef, chicken, and lamb, we stopped by the Prudential Center and then headed back to catch our train. I am pretty excited about some of my pictures, maybe once I print some I will scan them and post a few.

The rest of this week has been filled mostly with school assignments and interning. I had a minor freak out on Monday after the anxiety of having to speak in my speech class started to get to me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have an electrolysis appointment the same day that I wasn’t sure was going to happen, so I was stressing out about that as well. Eventually I calmed down and my body crashed when I got home, I could barely get off my bed. After a good nights sleep I was back to myself. Today I finally presented the speech that I had been worrying about and while it was nerve racking, it wasn’t that bad.

One of the reasons I was so worried about it was that I was talking about how I am trying to help others (YOU!) through my blog and by doing so, I had to come out in front of my class. Afterwards one of the guys in my class told me I had a lot of guts to talk about it and my teacher also thought I did a good job, so it was worth it in the end.

My internship is going well, today was my second day and I am starting to get comfortable with the other people I am working with. I am definitely excited for the future!

I have a bunch of questions for Ask Abbey that I need to put up and I still need to put that album together, keep an eye out for them!

Abbey

Day 168 – True Colors

Hello everyone,

I am still battling with anxiety and depression but tomorrow I am going to see a psychiatrist who can hopefully help me through this. On the brighter side of things, tomorrow I am also going to the True Colors conference in Connecticut! I’m going with my schools LGBT group so it should be tons of fun. Hope everything is going well with everyone else.

Abbey

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